My Vow of Silence

He was beautiful.
Utterly beautiful, with words filled with guile
Intoxicating and slyly overpowering me with temptations of bliss
I surrendered my all to him, only to be lost in unsureness based on one simple decision.
He shocked me, stunned me and killed me with one sentence
"I am a killer. I have the AIDS virus and so do you."
My fear does not lie in the virus, my fear lies in society
what will they say?
How will they treat me?
Even if I don't get tested, they will know
How will they treat me?
Will I be welcomed or shunned?
Will I be able to shop without being branded and avoided?
Will I feel as though I have help?
Should I get tested?
Am scared.

Here I am, 2 years later
I have help, but not love
I have help, but no respect
I have been abandoned.
They call me loose
they say I got that which I deserved, yet am wondering if I do deserve this.
Why was one person so careless with their life and mine?
Why was I so careless with my life? I trusted to strongly my husband, my boyfriend.
I believed when he claimed monogamy is the only alley he walked, without belief that he would stop at other houses on the way.
I felt too weakly to even listen to my conscience to get tested before.
He refused you know. Hmmph, he said I was insulting him.
Now I have to live with it
This disease that has shortened my life, and that of my children.
They will not know their mother for long, and society might not treat them too kind
For they are ignorant and dwell deep in the caverns of a small mind.
I have died a quick societal death within a slow torturous physical death.
And yet, I feel even more colder and alone for it is a great burden.

*wakes up*
I shall keep this a secret within me to be buried when I die a mysterious death until tested.
I will not reveal my fate for my fate automatically decides another fate.
I will live carefree and punish society before she punishes me.
I will ignore the disease and let it cure me.